"...against such things, there is no law."

Today has been an interesting day... In this day I have decided to change the person I am. I am completely exhausted of who I am and can't do it anymore. The funny thing is, up until this week I was pretty content with who I thought I was. I thought I was a great example, to my husband, my children, my friends. But the Lord gave me a nice little smack in the face, which was exactly what I needed. I am not exactly sure how to even go about this. That is why I am writing this blog. It is partially for me, a record to see the change, somewhat like a journal. And it is partially for you. Anyone that has ever wanted to change, needed to change, or didn't even realize they should change until they read something like this.
A little background on my life. I am a married, Mother of 2. My son is 4 and my daughter is 1. In January I will have been married for 5 years. I have never been a submissive person. In general, if someone tells me what to do, I do the opposite. When I came into my own relationship with the Lord, I had a much easier time submitting to Him, but still not as well to my husband. I have given myself credit, thinking that I had come so far, that I should be proud of myself that I was fairly decent to my husband. Until today, when God showed me that the way I have been doing "submissive" is not HIS way. I also, up until today, thought I was a wonderful, loving mother. I do love my children, and I was doing what I thought was best. But anger would sneak in, and my heart would turn cold. I have never hurt them physically, but my anger was scaring them. A huge wake up call today was when my son told my husband that I scared him with my yelling and he didn't know the reason I was acting this way. My heart broke. My only comfort today is Psalms 119:28- "My soul is weary with sorrow; strenthen me according to your word." So, to His word I go. Galatians 5:22-26.

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,
gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.
And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.
If we live by the Spirit, let us also walk by the Spirit.
Let us not become conceited, provoking one another, envying one another."

The Lord actually gave me this passage New Years Day 2010. It has been surfacing in every facet of my life this year and I finally know what to do with it. I am going to meditate on each one until I understand what it means and feel the peace of the Spirit to move on to the next fruit. I want to know how to embody each one, in my marriage, my parenting, my relationships, my leadership roles, everything. I am going to be completely honest, so this may change the way some of you look at me, but I have to show my true heart to you. It's broken and humble and I want to allow the Lord to work through me. I am usually a little more happy and humorous in my writing, but Wow, what a day. More to come tomorrow. I will be meditating on this continually.